Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize