Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
