So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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