You can't special order awesome
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
We need to rekindle our bromance
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
