Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
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