Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You can't motorboat a personality
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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