i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
