So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
