You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i believe in u and ur pee
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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