What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
