well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
