just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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