I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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