This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
