saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
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My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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