Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
