So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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