apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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