can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
