well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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