I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize