Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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