I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
