his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
