She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
