Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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