I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
