A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
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I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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