Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
