What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
