Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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