Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
