anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
