I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
