You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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