you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
