He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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