seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
