They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
