at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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