Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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