i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
