how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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