Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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