Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
