Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
