I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
