Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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