ugly people sure do ruin things
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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