My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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