mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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