What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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