Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
