I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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