OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
