i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
